you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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