just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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