thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
