you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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