i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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