i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
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