you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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