I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i already hear my dad disowning me
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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