i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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