Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Fuck appropriateness.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
