Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
