i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
