drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
