I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
someone owes me an orgasm
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
