hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
