I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
