when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
