I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
