Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize