So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
