giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
