she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
