I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
