you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize