look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
