I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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