i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
