The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just want nice things and good sex
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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