Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
