Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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