your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
