I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
