party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
