Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
