my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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