a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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