Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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