I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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