Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
