I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
