My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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