If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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