im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
