my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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