im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
