How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
