I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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