He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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