I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
