I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
