ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
