I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
