My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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