at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
