my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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