After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
