Your mouth is God's brothel.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
