I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
